Moonlit scribbles

The failure in Me

2007-12-03T17:20:00.000-08:00

I think I've got it. I think I've found my closure for the year. It has been a long harsh year, and it has been so wonderful a journey that makes 2007 close to my heart, though at times, I just wished I didn't have to do so much, so that I can really reflect my actions. My actions for the past 12 years have seem to be non-conventional, weird, irritating, etc. This post is not about seeking redemption, because I am very sure I do not deserve any.

I don't think the word sociable suits me. I'm kinda the last few who are involved in everything. Like friendster, like facebook, like etc. Ah well, my goal for 2008 is to become more sociable. Or at least I hope so.

Suddenly, I've lost my momentum in writing, not that I've gain a lot anyway. It's so easy to lose gas. I shall just put in random scribbles.

Mistake 1: Arrogance
Mistake 2: Cold
Mistake 3: Talk at wrong times
Mistake 4: Not able to relax
Mistake 5: Difficult person to work with
Mistake 6: Keeps things alone, though it seems otherwise

I suppose these 6 mistakes are enough to kill me. I was at one time, attempting to mimic those leaders who were cold and rarely praise people, but when they do, that's exciting. I suppose with my mistakes, that really don't come out well.

6 more posts to come.

Zhong Ming

Shaded paradigms

2007-11-28T06:02:00.000-08:00

It really makes me wonder, how a simple experience can cause me to change so much. How it can cause me to change my view of several people. It is interesting to see how my perspective of a person changes over time. A couple of days ago, I was chatting about work performance of some people. Truth be told, the people that were discussed seemed to have an identical job performance, except their local environments were different. But all were slackers. And I brand them all differently. Amazing isn't it? To actually judge people differently. Won't brand people these days.

I want to change. So please help me!

Inflammatory words

2007-11-26T02:46:00.000-08:00

I know I've made many enemies unknowingly. I suppose many people dislike me for being me: harsh, blunt, fake, etc. But I am not fake. I do not go around spreading rumors. Every word I say, I make sure it is true, at least for me. If people don't want to hear, then I am sorry, please leave.

I really have to say sorry to the people I've used Xs and Ys to represent you all. I realise that placing you as an anon won't serve any purpose. I used to think that by doing so, I could protect myself, but I am wrong. It doesn't help protecting me, but it delivers more pain. So from now on, any person there is, I won't use symbols to represent you.

This is my weakness. I need to change. There are so many things I am fed-up with myself, that I am not going to combine with this post. This is an appeal to anyone who bothers to read my blog, to actually drop me an email, or come up to tell me, how can I improve myself better.

Change of blogskin

2007-11-17T06:49:00.000-08:00

I changed my blogskin, but it'll be temporary, until I find a new one.

Bad luck, as usual

2007-11-14T07:00:00.000-08:00

Ah, the bad luck premonition syndrome kicks in, as usual, and today's target was my handphone and my reputation. Ahh, that stupid SBS bus. my phone slid down and i stepped on it. So what happens to an expensive mirror when it is stepped upon? Major scratches, duh. And then jang came to tell me about someone, someone who has always been telling lies. I gave up on that person. The whole class gave up on that person. And today morning, I've just given up hope on another person. The fakeness scares me. The moment the teacher enters the class, that person totally changed into some commander. Before that, that person was just using his/her com. Shall not mention names, shall not flame anyone, because I am reminded I have to 'look after' my reputation.

My reputation is nothing. I don't care whatever happens if I get punished. I care about what will other people linked to me will become. It irks me to carry so much responsibility, but it is too alluring. Council work is screwing all of us up, but I seem to be enjoying all this crap. As usual right?

NTU was quite bad. I hate going there nowadays. It takes one hour just to get home. And what do I get at the end of the day? Nothing.

I like german, because then few people understand me. It's like a small hole in which I can hide behind into. Some ask me why I learn german, looking back, I know why.

Closure needed

2007-11-10T06:41:00.001-08:00

I need to find closure to the end of the academic year. I know my results will be part of this closure, but it's not everything, and I want to list down as many things I did this year.

Jan: Planned orientation.
Feb: Hwachong maths competition.
Mar: LDP project execution (: SL investiture
Apr: LDP presentation, the end. Start of NRP.
May: Sem 1 exams.
Jun: RGS symposium; Nanyang Girls symposium; NRP
Jul: Council Elections
Aug: Teachers' Day
Sep: German
Oct: O Levels; dialogue session with PM
Nov: Sem 2 Exams; Orientation planning; NRP, the end, soon.

I'm planning for my next posts.

I wonder

2007-11-05T21:59:00.000-08:00

Caitlin said something this morning which left me thinking. I won't say too much here. It'll stay as a memo until december comes. So if you're interested to know, wait December.

2007-10-30T02:53:00.000-07:00

刚拿回华文成绩，不知该喜还是该哀。作文还考得不错，只是试卷2蛮差的。只希望能考到个A1，那就不会在那么压力了。吴老师今天发脾气了，大家都在猜他有点累（他自己也说了），只是他后来告诉我，他太太入院了。这时我才了解到，我真的还有很多事情因该听。大概很多老师喜欢跟我发牢骚吧，因为我只是个旁观者，听着他人的故事。我想我从他们一个个的故事中，学到了很多，丰富了我的人生观。

考完生物，我突然有种解放的感觉。就像德文考完后的那种心情。或许没有了它在我心中沉淀，我轻松了许多。但是考试这段时期，没有轻松着个词。我想考好，但我不知道能不能考到我想要的成绩。我要成功。

I can't remember my blog's address

2007-10-20T01:52:00.000-07:00

Okay. I think I won't be shifting for a while though. But I can't remember this blog's address. It's interesting to note how one can forget things so quickly. Like the piano pieces I learnt just 1/2 a year ago. Nothing. Absolutely, nothing. Homework is now reduced to a bare minimal, but playing FM is crazy. I shall update to you my new squad list:

Looks nice right? FM is addictive. Must stop playing.

Masters thesis

2007-10-17T08:18:00.000-07:00

Was having a chat with a history teacher a couple of days back, as I was rather pissed off with the sheer amount of work that I've done for the past year. I shall break it down for you, the reader:

Subject: Assignment type: Word count: Qty:
======== ================ =========== ====
History Essay assignments 1500 (avg) 12
History Project reports 1800 (avg) 3
English IRR 1150 (avg) 3
English Reports 1000 1
Biology Essay assignments 400 3
Chemistry Project 600 1
Physics Explanations 600 2

Do your math: 30250 words

That's more than a masters thesis, in case you didn't know.

And I don't know why the school makes us write so much. Arrgh. Exams are coming, and I won't post until after the exam. Will return to my old blog, since danger is cleared. (:

2007-09-16T07:09:00.000-07:00

A string of interesting things happened yesterday. It sort of made me realise how screwed a life I've been living. I just sat there in the MRT train, thinking why I even bothered waking up early to do my IR, when the profs are doing all the analysis. I feel abused as a lab technician. An entire morning in the lab doing boring, routine stuff, just left me bewildered.

Secondly was that I didn't need to go back to school anymore. I wondered why I've burning so many sats and nights in school. I think I probably won't work so hard for council, since expansion is coming soon. More things to do next year, not now.

Thirdly, I'm sick. Yeah, it's the type of flu, and headache, and you can't do work type. Screw the weather.

Something gross was seen by me on Friday evening. A girl was doing a bl**j*b on the bus to a guy, and they sat in the middle of the bus! So obscene right? And she even licked her tongue. Arrgh.

Many people had their birthdays recently, and I didn't get to wish them. :(

Signing off to Mars.

Sending those projects

2007-09-13T06:02:00.000-07:00

I'm going to blog about yesterday, because they seem to hold some significance to my thoughts. I was rushing through my Chinese project, so that I could produce a good piece. Unsurprisingly, I did the bulk, because Chee Guan ain't that good at designing. And so I slogged, and finished. And it ended around 5+. So I looked for somewhere to print. The hostel com was apparently spoilt, because of the keyboard. And the GO had no one there. So I had to get a teacher to print for me. Ah well. Then I rushed down via Taxi. But was trapped at their guard house. And another RI guy was there! But it was not the baomihua person who came to get us, it was some friday weekly. I'm terribly apologetic, and thankful to that sweet person.

And today, I told one of them about me taking the cab, and she seemed nonchalant. She questioned why I took a cab, and her thanks came off rather, disapproving. I ddin't have to go down. Because I didn't mind, I did it. And the thanks came off not very good.

I don't like not getting credit. And I swear I'll do well for Chem O, if I get in.

Some things that one wouldn't say

2007-08-17T20:40:00.001-07:00

I don't think I'm a good exco. There are some things that I would strongly prefer to say and not keep in my heart. Ah well, council elections are here at last, for students to vote. We spent 2 hours trying to decide who gets in and who goes out. And the final list wasn't something I really hoped for. Those that we got through immediately only accounted for 11 people. So essentially, you have another 10, which were borderline cases. Very worrying indeed. I just hope council will become a greater place, and all these new people are not going to disturb the dynamics of the new team.

Ah well, it's saddening to see so many things happening. And I can't do anything. I have this bad feeling that this year would be like P6, screwing up the bulk of the time. The signs are here, lagging in homework, etc...

I'm worried, and I'm really worried.

Wasting time

2007-08-10T06:32:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I really don't know if I have good friends that are fun people. Everyone just seem to be in their own cliques. And I seem so unpopular. But I shan't lament why people don't like me. I think I know it all too well. I'm overly POLITICAL; I screw people up everyday; I look ARROGANT, etc etc.

Blah blah. People can talk all they want. And I don't care.

Honestly.

I just need to be a more popular character in school some day? Like those uber popular people (aka reiko/ bean/ cheryl).

Maybe I need to find some sanctuary to escape into. It's been tiring, and while I need to gain momentum for the last run, I can't and I'm faltering. I'm addicted to gaming again, wasting my time away.

Ahh. So much for being me.

烦死了

2007-08-06T05:57:00.000-07:00

最近日子，我总是心不在焉。不知怎么的，我想做的功课，就是做不完成。但我想我累了。权、名、利、义、等等的斗争，我不想再要了。我只想读好书，做好人，过好生活。不要了，真希望着一切能快快的离去，就如它快快的来。

Some updates

2007-08-01T05:21:00.000-07:00

Ah, I'm getting a little time before I'm back down doing heavy work again ): Saturday passed rather peacefully with the DSA camp occuring. I had a very interesting group, a group that wasn't that united, a group that insulted me the whole day. Oh, and the, there were two cute girls in Red 10, which I kinda noticed. And no, I'm no pedophile! One wore full sports suite, and the other, which I recognised, was one of the winners for the SYSF. Talked to a couple of teachers that day, and I realised how fast rumours spread. Should the year 4s give the school one more chance?

The Year 4 PSLs are not going to get any EXCO posts, next year, which is unfair! They have after all, worked so hard for that. Those hopes of finally passing the baton, the hopes of finally showing what they are capable of, goes to nought. And I'm pissed. The school just doesn't bother about the year 4s. Are we a batch being sandwiched, destined to be debuggers of faulty systems? Hello! It's our future at stake, it's only your reputation. And the best reply they got was "All your CAP are below 4, even if you have leadership, I don't think next year you can cope with both."

Fine. The yr 4 PSLs have a CAP of below 4. Some are slackers, but some really shine! So why? And Nat, Reico, all have a CAP of below 4. What's the big deal? If they want to give the year 3s LEAP points, say it now! But they ought to plan some things in mind for the current year 4s. Arrgh, I shall not be angry. It's school politics. I'm just pissed off. Do ignore me.

NUS High Students ARE litterbugs

2007-07-27T04:00:00.000-07:00

I suppose old habits die hard, and one's particularly true. The STOMP aftermath blows into another one. It's one that is really uncalled for. The NUSH shuttlers went to Mayflower Secondary for a friendly competition. Unsurprisingly, we got thrashed, and real bad too.That was expected, or at least I expected that.

The Mayflower sec students were nice that they gave us bottles to drink. They were probably some national day bottles (not NEWater!). As usual, the bulk of NUS High students took the bottles, and left them there, in their attempt to get out quickly. So I had to clean the mess up for them. At least 3 bottles were found.

I don't want to talk about the scores. It was utterly thrashed. But ahh well, that just goes to show how bad we are, and how much we can improve, ain't it?

The week that came crashing down

2007-07-25T05:53:00.000-07:00

It's just plain, and uber boring. I suppose that work has been coming down heavily on me. And I haven't got any time for german. Sigh. There goes my A Levels. But besides this, I had a couple of good sleeps the past few nights. Seemed to me that chinese medicine was working again. But honestly, I kept having weird dreams. They were all of those adventure sort, which led me to wake up, probably around 3 am. Yet I can't remember any of them.

Today's lessons have been boring as usual. Mrs Loh was dragging on about how physics was supposed to be one way, and not the other. And how she raved she was good at teaching mechanics, which probably she might have. Note to myself: I should not be posting about school that much.

These couple of weeks have been hard to get by. Some sort of loneliness just seemed to overwhelm me everyday. Probably just need someone to talk to. Haiz.

Cleaning

2007-07-19T06:29:00.000-07:00

I'm just back at home, after cleaning up the class. The class is in a horrid mess! I almost filled the dustpan full today. And who is to be blamed? I won't name people. There's no duty roster, and several people just cannot be bothered to place their litter in the dustbin. At the end of the day I have to clean, and arrange the table for them. So much for having strengths of character, and one of the best mentors in the school.

Physics was just irritating today. The discussion questions were rushed out, by me and Lam. Kenneth was passed me his solutions, which thankfully I could understand immediately. Phew. But Huy made me blew my top. He didn't bother, and expected me to clear up his stuff for him. All he bothered was his work being done, and get his 'deserved' marks, which if others fail to get for him, he will blast them. And there was Lam and I, rushing for the rest. WTH man.

Ah, all wasn't so bad.English was good, we wasted one hour doing nothing.

Housewarming

2007-07-17T05:50:00.000-07:00

I've moved here, not because I'm sick of my old one (I really loved it), but I'm under surveillance, solid and serious surveillance. So I'm temporarily here, until things get better over the other side. But school days have really been hectic. I haven't had time to do anything, but there are so many things I want to put up. Ah well, don't have much time actually.

Today's English lesson was especially humorous. Ms Lam was trying to justify girls were different from boys. And we were trying, or at least PLam was, that girls were egoistic ("I've worked on this for 36 hours straight") and communist ("things that benefit them only"). We had a weak argument, probably because we didn't really take the assignment seriously. But we showed the case well, and Ms Lam just brushed it aside, all because it had a weak line of argument (the evidence was strong, she was speechless!)

But besides that, everything else got me pretty pissed. School bus was late by 35 minutes. Made me late by 25 minutes. I guess that problem should be solved soon. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother taking the school bus. It's so tiring to worry about being late. It's thoroughly unfair for students, but I can understand the driver's plight. He's earning so little from us each month, that he bothers to earn more from others, and be late.

But anyway, Council Elections are here, and I think it's pointless for me to put this here, but do take up this challenge! If you think school is not good enough, Council isn't doing enough, and you can do better, join!